Why Are You Still Single?

‘You wish you had a boyfriend,’ Rose said. ‘Partly because you’re lonely, but mostly because you believe that not having one means you’re unlovable. Nothing could be further from the truth...'

When we think something is wrong with our lives, like not having a relationship, we batten down the hatches, survey the damage and look around to see what’s to blame. We reach for the practical reasons first. We’re single because it’s hard to find someone. All the good ones are taken. Dating never works out. Then we go to the more personal ones: you’re too old, insecure, unattractive, stupid or shy. There is something wrong with you. There must be after all, or else someone would be in love with you.

You mull over these fears. You sit in the sadness and self-loathing they generate. And you tell yourself that if only you were different, if only you were younger, more confident, gorgeous, witty and wonderful then you’d find a soul mate in a second.

But you know, deep down, that your practical reasons don’t hold up. You might meet hundreds of people a week: at bus stops, bookshops, cafés and supermarket queues. The world is full of good people. The personal reasons don’t stand the test of inquiry either. People of all kinds of types, shapes and sizes fall in love, there is nothing so particularly bad about you. You have everything you need to be in a loving relationship. You don’t need to be perfect.

What is really holding you back isn’t you, but all your hidden reservations, the ones you’re unaware of, subconscious reasons why you’re really rather ambivalent about getting into a relationship. You have probably been heartbroken before, and you’re a little terrified of it happening again. It’s not the idea of falling in love that scares you, but what love might turn into that holds you back.

With these fears it’s difficult to find love. It becomes hard to look someone you like in the eye. And it’s almost impossible to bare your soul. What might they see? What might they say? How might they hurt you later?

There are other reasons that you won’t be aware of. You already know you’re scared of getting hurt. And there are many other reasons hiding in an unhealed heart. It’s only when you uncover these subconscious traps that you’ll be truly free to step wholeheartedly and unreservedly into love. Once you’ve unearthed your previously unrealised reasons, they’ll no longer hold so much sway over you. For example, when you become aware of your unresolved anger towards men, it won’t lurk like a subconscious iceberg ready to sink your next relationship. Or when you discover some unfinished guilt about your last relationship, you can heal it before it blocks your next one. Or when you recognise your fear of losing control and your identity in a relationship, then you can begin to reassure yourself and trust in love again. 

You can’t clear these obstructions until you’ve become conscious of them. It’s the hidden blocks that have the greatest power over us, and it’s only when we identify our true fears that we can begin to challenge them. When we can’t see what’s running us then we have no hope of controlling it. It’s only when we see them that we can start to work with them. And then you’ll be ready to open your heart to a relationship again.

Those subconscious blocks keep you closed and shut down, and from that place it’s hard to create love. But when you clear your fears, doubts and reservations to open up your heart you’ll step towards love. When you smile at strangers, and connect with people in all sorts of places, then you’ll begin to have your pick of all the hundreds of potential partners in the world. Because, when you’re so radiantly alive, people will be attracted to you in a heartbeat. Then you’ll find your love. Because, when you really want a great relationship, one hundred percent, completely and utterly, without holding back, then you will have it.